February 11, 2025.

No.

Freedom from passion is no freedom at all.

February 6, 2025.

Unloved.

I miss the love that I never had. I wish I could have felt love through the innocent eyes of a child.

I wish i had never had the weight of God thrust upon my shoulders. Why did I have to understand my own mortality before I understood life?

Why was I made to face heaven and hell before I had a chance to live life?

Through the eyes of my family, I can only see what they hope and want for me. I can only feel the sadness of uncertainty.

I felt the distance the closer they push me towards their uncertain commitment to life after death.

The unconditional love I have for them is born out of my grief towards the love they tried to give me. I see them try and try yet it only pushes me away.

There is a part of me that always wonder if they will ever be able to give me the love that I craved all those years ago.

I can only love them the way they loved me.

January 29, 2025.

Songs.

Tonight at around 2:23a.m I listened and danced to Stevie Wonder’s Isn’t She Lovely, twice.

January 14, 2025.

Affection.

“But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you.
And these mem'ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.

Tho' I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them,
In my life I love you more.”

December 13, 2024.

Friday.

It’s Friday the 13 today. I can’t tell if I am in a state of suffering or fulfillment in life in the present day.

November 14, 2024.

Mortality

My dad calls me for a chat every now and then to tell me about what’s going on in his life and see how I’m doing.

This year it seems like more and more of his friends have been passing away. Some I never met, and some I knew from my childhood. In some way, it is sad for me to hear about these people I recognize from my childhood memories passing away. To have it told to me so casually some time after they have passed by my dad really adds to their fleeting feeling.

August 23, 2024.

Lies

Why hide my reality when there is nothing remarkable about it? Why inflict pain for no reason at all? Why do I hurt the ones I love? Why do I push away those close to me? Am I damning myself to a life of pain and loneliness?

July 16, 2024.

Authenticity

To be authentic is to be liberated from the burden of existence.

July 5, 2024.

Consciousness

The man in an olive shirt walks through the world with little sense of direction. He’s looking for something but he doesn’t know what it is. Perhaps an answer to a question he doesn’t know. Perhaps a mirror upon which he can reflect?

He’ll find out soon, I’m sure.

June 27, 2024

Withdrawal

To take back, to withdraw, to retreat, to renounce, to revoke, to reverse, with disbelief of my own words.

The echoes of which rings hollow, yet the sorrow rings true.

June 13, 2024

Love

Much has been written about love throughout history. It’s a subject that humans have quite the affinity for. Many attempts and studies have been made to identify its nature, how it manifests and how it presents itself.

It can be such an intense inclination that could go in several directions. Other feelings can come out of it. Joy, pain, sadness, excitement can all come out of love for someone. Love is the foundation upon which we base our hopes and dreams upon, the things that remind us that some things are worth the sweat and tears, the earth and the sky that we lie in between, the moments that we take with us into nonexistence.

Red, like the autumn leaves,

Red, like the sun in the morning,

Red, like the kisses in the wind,

Red, like to heart that lies within.

May 31, 2024

Deed

Should good deeds be done in silence?

Someone came in to work today, and due to miscommunication with my boss, were billed over three times what she was expected to pay. My boss insisted that she paid over $400 for a mistake.

She seemed flustered, she told me she didn’t even have enough money. She took out $400 cash and told me its all she had. I could see that she was a tattoo artist. A traveling one at that.

I was having a conversation with my good friend B. last night. We often talk shop with each other in regards to each other’s art. Before we parted, he told me its important that artists support each other, because its hard enough to have society not take us seriously, how we are made to be unproductive members of society by a lot of people.

I gave the customer a very hefty discount without my boss’s knowledge, below cost. I didn’t tell her what I did, I just felt like I understood what she was going through. Maybe she wasn’t being honest about her financial circumstances. But it didn’t matter to me in the end. Life is hard enough as it is these days.

May 23, 2024

Reality

I had a dream last night. I didn’t realize it was a dream until I woke up. I dreamt that I woke up and started my day like I would normally. I went to work, did my tasks, until I looked at the date and realized that it was Friday. I panicked because I realized that I seemed to have lost an entire day. Its supposed to be Thursday. How did lost a day? Did I lose my memory? Did I slept through an entire day? It felt so real. I was terrified. What is real and what is in my head?

May 19, 2024

Punches

Boxing is a representation of life in its most literal form.

April 26, 2024

Screamed

Someone shouted at me today for 10 minutes near the end of my workday.

It felt very frustrating and uncomfortable. I understand it yet at the same time I don’t like it.

April 24, 2024

Note #5

A woman was making faces at a small boy in a stroller at Tim Hortons today. The boy seemed unfazed.

The self-checkout counter at Safeway scanned my hand soap as milk today. It was cheaper.

There was a young man with a bouquet of pink roses on the bus. He seemed nervous.

April 23, 2024

EVG

There’s a lot to tolerate at EVG. The decrepit space with its crumbling walls and squeaky doors. The pests that roam around among the paper waste strewn across the floor. The limited structure to hold the company up. The burden of relationships between the people on deck.

Yet at the same time it offers a sense of stability that makes it feel like a safe space for a lot of people. There seems to be little incentive for growth, making it feel like we are stuck in a floating timeline. People come here looking for help and support, and the bubble that this place has created for itself seems to encapsulate everything altruistic about humanity that everyone should try and live up to, despite its shortcomings.

Life can show you some interesting things about itself sometimes.

April 16, 2024

Reconciliation

The sadness that comes with acceptance of one’s own disconnection cannot be disregarded.

Is the fear of solitude worth sacrificing one’s own values for? The pursuit of happiness might come at the cost of loved ones, and I am left to wonder if I am responsible for the guilt and emotional distress inflicted that comes with seeking one’s own meaning. The wound that I have no longer comes from fear but is of woe.

April 8, 2024

Memories

I sat down with my dad today to go through some old family albums. Going through the wedding album as well as some from his early career seemed quite interesting to me, as I got to see a younger side of him before he became jaded. But there was still that rigidity, a sense of masculinity that was conveyed through the way he presented himself. The way he stood with his arms straight down his sides, the way he seemed to be hiding his smile, the way he had his shoulders back.

When I started asking him about things he might remember from looking at the photos, he seemed to hardly remember anything. I asked him if he remembered anything particular about some of his work trips to Australia, Mongolia and Japan, but he could only remember things in a general sense.

I also asked both my parents if they remembered how they felt on their wedding day. My dad could only remember being nervous, not because of the commitment, but about the wedding event being successful. My mom, on the hand could remember how happy and confident she felt, what happened, who attended and so on. She had many anecdotes. Its interesting to hear how much each of them seem to remember, or perhaps, what kind of memories they value from their past.

March 27, 2024

Unknowing

I see darkness in the things I cannot read. I feel my own fears through the eyes that see me. The air that surrounds me veer towards my skin only to sting me with its discomfort. A sense of dread runs through my skull, struggling to shield my thoughts from the rain. My heart beats hollow, feeding my veins with a quiver. I am scared of the unknown, for the unknown takes my mind away into a place of despair one can only feel and not notice.

March 21, 2024

Negging

The signs of low self esteem and emotional immaturity is hard to see in yourself. When you’ve spent your childhood under scrutiny and pressure, there’s a desire to always prove your worth. It’s made difficult when my differences is always pointed out as a point of annoyance and inconvenience.

March 20, 2024

War

I had a nightmare last night. War just started as Vancouver was suddenly attacked by Japanese forces. It was like a modern day World War II. I saw all the planes and ships coming towards the city over the water. I remember hearing things on the radio about AI warfare. I felt the uneasy panic and fear as I didn’t know what to do. Next thing I remember I was in a locker room with a buzz cut getting ready to be a soldier. I remember being underground and feeling the ground constantly shake from all the bombing above. I remember running through hallways looking for something I was told to find. I remember feeling more and more scared as time went on, unable to find it, to the point where I didn’t want to wake up until I did. I remember wondering why no one else seemed as scared as I was. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but it felt important.

It felt like I was on the fence between life and death, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

March 7, 2024

Note #4

I almost got hit by an old man in a Pontiac G6 this morning as I was crossing the street. He stopped right on the crosswalk just as I was walking across. He looked at me like I was the one in the wrong. I raised my hand in anger as he backed his car. It seems like it’s so easy to get hurt for little to no reason these days.

March 1, 2024

Bloom

There are moments I feel less inspired by the things I face. I feel lacking in purpose and inspiration for seemingly no reason. It seems to me that I feel most inspired during my lowest moments, as being able to access my deepest fears and agony let me perceive the world a certain way.

Someone recently told me that flowers take their time to bloom. It’s not something that I can just choose to do. It’s ironic how a flower is most beautiful when it’s bloomed, but I seem to be at my most creative when I’m at my most hideous. I guess I must be pretty happy right now, although these days I’ve come to realize that my mood swings between neutrality and depression. The mask that I call my expressions stays constant, the feelings that I have only felt through those who sees past it.

Sometimes I wonder if the world I see is of any value. I’m sure it does, but it’s hard to take for granted. I’m so used to being a part of the scenery that it’s no wonder the validity of my inner self is often questioned. I seek fulfillment and comfort above all else, as the value of happiness is constantly being diminished by my own perspective. But no one can know where the search for those needs begin except for me, and there is no guidance except for my own ambition that propels me forward.

Perhaps one day my agony will be my triumph in life.

February 16, 2024

Isolation

Suffering from COVID-19 this past week seemed like a blessing and a curse. The illness was frustrating, sure, but the opportunity to be away from the world in isolation seemed nice for a change. The world seems overwhelming lately.

The more the week goes by, the more I realize what emotions I have to sit with. Having to sit with my own joy, sadness, confusion, guilt, fear, hope, loneliness, anger, anxiety, boredom, adoration, interest, nostalgia, grief all at once in itself is overwhelming.

My carelessness towards self care has led me towards a path of self-destruction, one where tomorrow is an afterthought, and next week inconsequential. My despair comes not from lack of joy, but from lack of meaning.

The walls trap me, yet they are my friends. They let me feel what I am made of, yet they remind me of what I am. I see the white as a canvas upon which the blood of my hands will reveal itself.

Perhaps the world is just a way for me to mask my emotions. As I lay in bed, wondering what the future holds for me, I wonder how far I’ll make it before my heart collapses in on itself.

January 29, 2024

Note #3

When I was a kid, my dad once pointed out to me that I walked everywhere looking down towards the ground. He said it means that I was always thinking. He said our former prime minister would do the same thing, and it meant that I was smart and intelligent.

Perhaps its true. I still do it. But perhaps its just that I struggle with eye contact.

January 26, 2024

Anhedonia

I don’t find joy in the things I love anymore. I just go through the motions. All I have is grief, despair and anguish.

It is getting harder to mask my pain. Every night, I am awaken from flashes of darkness that makes me fear closing my eyes again. My heart beats out of obligation, not inclination.

I do not worry about where I will end up. I only worry about the path that will take me there.

The sky casts its shadow over me. The ocean waves at me. The ground keeps me level. My consciousness simply exists.

January 8, 2024

Note #2

Looking out the window with the rain trickling down makes me feel like the world is crying for me.

January 5, 2024

Chances

I struggle to take chances. I find it difficult to trust and have confidence in others. I haven’t felt this anxious in a long time.

My friend and coworker asked me if I would be interested in looking for a place to live together in. I wondered why, because it is a big commitment for both of us.

We get along tremendously. I don’t remember the last time I met someone who understands me the way she does. And I’d like to think that I understand her too.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I may be infatuated with her. It is what makes me anxious to commit to living with her. I do not want to do it for the wrong reasons based in my impulsive desperation for connection.

I am confused and I’m not sure what to do.

My mind races as if its turbocharged. When I lie down to sleep at night, alone in the dark, my mind keeps me awake with thoughts that compounds my struggles. My fear of trust in myself keeps me from taking chances. How do I take that leap of faith?

December 25, 2023

Christmas

Growing up in various schools outside of my home country, I was exposed to a lot of cultural practices outside my own. Events like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

I remember even in kindergarten in Seoul, my mom would encourage me, her first child, to participate in various activities with my classmates. I would dress up in costumes for Halloween, dress up in traditional hanbok for Chuseok, and of course, perform in the nativity play. She was the same age as I am now.

My dad recently shared some old photos from my childhood, and one of them was from the play. It’s a badly composed and lit photo of me and my classmates on stage, taken from the front row. I would have been 6 or 7 years old.

Of course, not long after this, my family moved back to Malaysia for 6 years. This is the largest stretch of my life that was spent in my home country. I was immediately exposed to and taught the cultural practices that my family partakes in. As much as I respect and appreciate them, they rarely inspire joy in child me. Perhaps the thing we look forward to the most is the money packets that are given out to children during Eid. There’s very little magic in counting the amount of money you and your siblings received and putting it in your piggy bank.

I only got my first proper taste of Christmas three years ago. I was ready to spent it alone again, as I have the previous few years. My lovely friends C and E invited me to spent it with their families, and so I did. I didn’t know anything about Christmas etiquette. I was bad with the gifts, I felt like a stranger intruding, and I felt like I was there out of pity. But I loved them dearly for having me there, as I’m not sure they knew how much it meant to me.

This year and the last, I was invited to spent it with my other friend C and his family. As I was sitting there at dinner last night, being the only stranger, I felt uneasy because I felt like I was not supposed to be there. I should be doing this with my family and feel the joy pass around among us. But of course, that will never happen.

I realized what I missed the most about not celebrating Christmas as a child. It wasn’t necessarily the presents or the time spent with family. It was that childlike sense of wonder that I was denied. Instead, I went straight into religious school for my extra curricular activities.

As we grow older we have less and less to wonder about. Life have a way of leaving you jaded with its realities. If only I found more questions to ask and to be answered to, maybe I wouldn’t be as held off from experiencing the little things in life as I do now. Perhaps the desire to end things, in part due to my apprehensiveness towards the image of life my idealistic self has built up, would be non-existent.

December 7, 2023

Hurt

Hurt is something you dread upon others, if you have any sense of empathy and self-reflection.

Dreading your own imperfections leads to fear of hurting those close to you.

Hurting those who mean something leads to dread.

Where can you go from here?

November 27, 2023

Imposter

Everywhere I go and everywhere I look, I feel like an imposter.

I have favourite coffee shops, favourite restaurants, favourite bookstores, favourite movie theatres, favourite record stores.

I have favourite tables, favourite sections, favourite seats. I have a favourite Chaw Kuey Teow. I have a favourite bench at Jericho beach. I have a favourite view.

I know the lady who runs the coffee shop by my bus stop every morning. I know the owner of the bookstore I visit often. I know the theatre managers at the movie theatres.

Yet all these attempts at establishing my roots and connections to the city is not enough. I look around at the old houses in my neighbourhoods, I see the senior couples at the movie theatre, and I stop for teenagers driving by. I see security and stability that I find myself having to fight for on my own. I am reminded that I have no one. I remember my father reminding me that friends are friends, but family are always there for you. I try to believe otherwise, but maybe he’s right.

I see my friends progressing in their careers, relationships and artistic pursuits. I wonder what’s hindering me. Am I only here to struggle?

November 21, 2023

Close-Up

I rewatched one of my favourite films at the movie theatre today, Close-Up. I remember seeing it for the first time many years ago after seeing it in many lists of greatest films. I was trying to explore the world of movies beyond the ones everyone have seen. I wasn’t sure if I would enjoy an Iranian film from the 1980s, having never seen an Iranian film before. Indeed, the first time I saw it I found it a bit boring.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about it for days afterwards. I couldn’t describe why, but it left such a distinct impression on me. Watching it today, I find myself relating more and more to the protagonist as I grow older. The loneliness of being unremarkable, trying to find connection through art, a way to express suffering through lies.

Cinema is like a mirror because what you get out of it is reflective of you as a person. My fondness for Close-Up has only grown throughout the years, because my perspective on life has evolved through further understanding of the human experience. It finally showed me what I’ve struggled to comprehend the first time I saw it.

November 12, 2023

Victoria

I don’t know if I will be visiting Victoria anytime soon. It reminds me too much of what used to be. One of my close friends, C, lived here with his partner, E, for almost a decade. I remember back in December 2014, when he first arrived in Vancouver. I was there to greet him, and we spent New Year’s together at my dorm at UBC. We both travelled to Victoria, where I helped him move into his dorm.

Over the years, I would visit him a few times a year. He would take me camping, climbing, and thanks to him I got to see places and experience things I never would have. I got to spend a few Christmases with him. Later, he would meet his partner, whom I would go on to be good friends with too. Of course, they went on to leave the city last year, and I haven’t visited Victoria since.

I impulsively decided to visit this weekend because I am going through another one of my depressive episodes. I gave my boss a terrible story so I could miss work on Friday. I didn’t care that my ankle was recovering from a minor injury. I had to run away, and Victoria is close and familiar. I didn’t tell many people, nor did I let it be known.

After I arrived on Friday, I got to meet E for a moment to catch up since last year. She was about to leave for Europe, where C is currently studying. She was only here for a few weeks after they both were living in Central America together for the past year. It’s funny, I always thought that its not easy for me to get along with people because of my own quirks. I’ve rarely spent time with E without C around, and I feared that it would be awkward. But it felt like we were just continuing our last conversation. It really struck me how much E loves C, from the way she talks about him and how she’s willing to impulsively fly halfway around the world with no plans just to see him.

Spending yesterday and today by myself in Victoria made me realize what this city holds for me. It holds with it a lot of memories of what used to be, what could have been. The Korean restaurant we always used to go to is gone. The board game cafe we went to a few times were full of college students like us back then. The beach was cold and empty, with the sounds of the ocean accompanying the lonely conversations in my head. When I looked down at the water and saw my reflection, I wondered if he too, was stuck in time.

I found myself feeling extreme melancholy. Its striking how different a city feels when you’re lonely. I don’t know if I am able to visit again any time soon. All this has made me realize how isolating it is to be away from all that I fear and resist, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough for either.

November 6, 2023

Depression

There are moments where I just lose all sense of energy and cognitive ability. All I want to do is stay in bed. I cannot bring myself to brush my teeth, wash myself, make food, drink water. I just want to cry, but no tears would come out. I contemplate suicide, I contemplate life, I contemplate the past, present and future. I cannot stand it. I’m so tired.

October 30, 2023

Misinformation

Its striking to me how on edge people have been lately about what’s going on in Gaza, because I have not seen anything being as invasive into my life as this one has been. From hearing more bigoted rhetoric in public onto my social media channels being even more untrustworthy. People are picking sides like its sports, and people are quick to latch onto presumptions made about both sides. I try my best to scrutinize every bit of news I see, but I know even then that its not perfect. Yet I hear and see, online and in person, people bringing up the same talking points as evidence against either side. Doesn’t matter if its true or false.

Perhaps there’s something about the distance that gives people the confidence to have strong opinions that fit in with their beliefs and identity, even if its based on wilful ignorance. I’ve never seen so many people try to justify evil acts. Even with history having set the precedent, it’s a bit unreal to see it occur in real time. Propaganda is rampant, hate is prevalent, and information is being accepted or denied simply based on how one feels about the source. It makes me a bit anxious and uncomfortable.

October 16, 2023

Acquaintance

One of the things that I despise happening is a run in with a past acquaintance. It always feel like I’m having to prove myself, especially when its people I went to university with.

Some people are nice enough, but you can always tell from how they look at you what they think. Some people are just bad at hiding their judgement. Perhaps its my own insecurities from having friends ghost me when they’re off to do “great” things, be it chasing their masters degree or moving cities to chase some cushy corporate gig. I myself am passing judgement because of this, but every time it happens its a reminder of that hurt.

I ran into someone I knew from university yesterday. They told me that they heard I worked at some camera store, but the way it was said at half whisper just made it seem like it was something shameful. They even named the wrong camera store.

Sure, I am not working on my PHD. Nor am I making six figures working for some law firm. I do not have my parents to fall back to if I need money or a place to live in in Canada. I do not have anyone here besides my close friends. I am struggling to make something of myself here, yet sometimes I’m reminded of how I’m valued in some people’s eyes. I’m lucky that my close friends value me for who I am, but when someone stops taking me seriously, I can’t help but think, what did I do?

October 12, 2023

Bed

At work, I meet a lot of interesting people. I know the delivery drivers and mailmen’s names. I talk with a lot of the same clients, some of whom I’ve worked with in the past. Every Monday and Tuesday, I have a nice old man in the office with me who tells me stories from his life. My boss also likes to help people in need, so they often stop by.

Yesterday someone stopped by when my boss was out, so it was just us. We started chatting and the topic of last weekend came up, which happened to be Thanksgiving weekend. He started talking about how he haven’t had turkey for five years because his family hasn’t invited him. He was never bothered by it, he said, because he knew he made the bed he lied in. Not until this year.

Then he left.

October 6, 2023

Note #1

On the way home on the bus today, I saw two strangers bond over the books they were reading. It reminded me of Before Sunrise.

September 29, 2023

Hope

I saw a beautiful film today called The Old Oak. It’s about a small English village that sees the arrival of Syrian refugees and how it affects the community.

Racism and bigotry is always so interesting to me, because I’m always fascinated by where it comes from. Sometimes it comes from a place of ignorance, sometimes it comes from a fear of the unknown. A lot of the time it comes from hate. Its funny to see the film show how the Syrian refugees and English villagers, despite their differences, still have the same level of humanity. This includes hope.

Why is hope so painful? Why is the thing that drives us to continue onwards the same thing that hurts us the most?

Perhaps its a reminder of our potential. Perhaps its a lie we tell ourselves to justify our continued existence. We smile through our days, hoping and hoping that it will take us someplace worthwhile. Maybe that’s how we want to be remembered, smiling.

We say it all the time. We hope for good things to happen to us. But hope comes with the expectation that the world also has hope for us. But it doesn’t. The world will continue moving, no matter how hopeful you are, no matter how hard you work to make it happen.

All you can do is hope for the best, because perhaps that’s all we have. Hope.

September 25, 2023

Trust

I have been bouldering at the climbing gym at least once a week since May. I’ve always enjoyed it, in the few times I’ve done it. One of my close friends from high school is an avid climber, and would have me join occasionally.

I’ve always enjoyed sports or anything competitive, but its strange to be competing against yourself. With bouldering the limit is only yourself. It takes a lot of trust in yourself to make that leap and go for that hold.

This belief in yourself is one of those things that you don’t realize you lack until you have no one to blame but yourself. Its easy to blame all of life’s wrong doings on the world, but at the end of the day, the world will keep on moving while you will always be you. No matter where you go, there you are.

Its so strange to be told your whole life what’s expected of you, because it involves believing not yourself, but other’s expectations of you. Its only in adulthood that I realize that I’m living for myself, not for others. Its easy to trust other people in your life, but it takes a lot more to trust yourself. After all, who knows you better than yourself?

September 21, 2023

Suicide

For the last 10 years, not a day goes by where I don’t think about suicide at least once. I’ve only been serious about it once, back in 2016. Most of the time I don’t mean it, but occasionally I contemplate it.

Death is a very lonely experience for many people. The living does not want to see death, because the idea of it scares them. No one wants to talk about it, because most people do not have the courage to talk about it. The idea of what comes after is daunting. People try to explain it, justify it, understand, but really no one knows. It takes a lot of courage to find out.

What can drive someone towards suicide? How do you decide between dying in a burning building or jumping out the window? How do you climb out of a hole that’s made of sand? How do you escape the prison that is your own mind and sanity? There are no answers. Its having to make compromises with uncertainties, something most people have never experienced.

I was taught that suicide is one of the most selfish things you can do, because not only are you hurting those who love you, but also sacrificing your one life for nothing. But suicide requires courage and desperation unlike anything most people know.

September 17, 2023

Moving

Sometimes, for no particular reason, I feel deeply sad. I tell myself things like “I’m gonna kill myself.” or “I want to run away.” I would have the urge to cry sometimes, and all it would take is a sad song or a sad sight. I would try to force myself to do things, whatever it may be, because I tell myself that its good. Today was one of those days.

I thought I’ll buy a greeting card for my friend. I took the bus to Main St and bought three just because I liked them and wanted to save them for the future.

But that whole activity took 30 minutes. I saw the bus stop sign for the bus to go to Stanley Park, and so I took it. I haven’t been to Stanley Park for over a year.

I walked around, listening to sad music, looking for some place quiet peaceful. I told myself maybe I’ll catch a movie after. As I was sitting on a bench overlooking the water towards Canada Place, my friend A. called me. I like A. but he can a bit overwhelming sometimes, so I’ve been avoiding him for for the last two weeks. I hesitated to pick up, but for some reason I did. He asked to meet up in 15 minutes. Sure.

We walked around, we took the ferry to Granville Island, we walked around more, and talked about life. At some point, he started to go on about how I have potential and its sad to see me beat myself up. He was suggesting ways and wanted to help me move up in life. I didn’t know what to say, really.

Its funny, I was invited to an impromptu gathering of friends mutually last night, and I talked to one, L. He’s had a few drinks, and was telling me things about the world of movie theatres and film festivals in Vancouver. He ended up on a tangent, and told me to not squander my potential. Vancouver is small! There’s so much I can do out of it.

This weekend had me pondering my future even more so than usual. I’m not sure where to go or what to do.

September 11, 2023

Rituals

Every weekday morning, I wake up at around 7am. I always have multiple alarms. One at 6:47 a.m., one at 7:11 a.m., one at 7:29 a.m. etc. You can never trust your internal clock. The first thing I check is the weather so I can think about what to wear as I shower.

I have a bad habit of sleeping late. I have other bad habits that compound this. It means that coffee is one of the most important drinks of the day. I used to care about where I get my coffee, but I can’t afford to be picky. Blenz or Starbucks will do on some mornings. Sometimes I make my own, if I don’t oversleep.

I walk 6 blocks every morning to the bus stop. I tend to walk the same route, on the same side of the street. There’s an office with a reflective window 2 blocks down. I like to catch a glimpse of myself there. When I get to the bus stop, I wait for the 84. Takes me 15-20 minutes to get to work.

Sometimes you see the same faces every other morning or evening. Sometimes you even see the same bus drivers. Its odd, to recognize the same group of people that I’ve never said a word to. You start to notice little things about them, like their shoes, their coffee cup, the books they’re reading. Sometimes you even know where they work, just from seeing them walk into an office near where you work.

The funny thing is, I don’t really know them. I don’t even know their names. For a brief moment, we share this acknowledgement of life as it is at this very moment.