Syed Mustafa

“People sometimes say I seem calm, collected or “chill.” I try to be, because it lets me get through life. But there’s a lot more going on inside that I don’t let out. Most of the time I’m pretty good. Then sometimes I’m not. Sometimes my mood drops drastically from one day to the next: mood swings. I’m very anxious person and a huge worries, when in the mood. I get a lot of social anxiety as well and it’s easy for me to retreat into my own head. Sometimes I’m in my head too much and tend to overthink things, think about things which aren’t even there. It’s hard to quiet the competing thoughts in your head. I’ve had what could be called depressive episodes (have not been diagnosed for anything though) and have certainly thought it would be easy if everything just ended.
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This is not to say any of this is healthy or something, but this is part of me and it can’t just be shaken off. But what is healthy is being open about it. I enjoy talking to other people about their own struggles, mental or otherwise, because I personally know how important it is to let these things out and to have someone to talk to and be supportive of you. The worst thing you can do to yourself is say you have no one to go to and to bottle up your emotions inside yourself. People tell us too much that it’s not ok to be “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” Society doesn’t seem to value your feelings sometimes. Though we all should learn self-care and how to deal with our feelings on our own, and be aware of them—someone’s not going to be there all the time—, I sincerely believe we should all be able to have someone in our lives who is supportive and open to listening and that we should be open to being that person to the people in our lives.”

• Brandon

“I think about watching yourself moving out of calibration with the orbit of this world. .
In April 2018 I went to 4 different emergency rooms in the span of about a week, to try to get hospitalized for my deteriorating ability to function - in hindsight what was likely a mixed depressive state. I had been diagnosed as bipolar when I was 12 by the head of B.C. children’s hospital psychiatry at the time. From 12 yrs old till April 2018 (so 9 years), I had never previously been medicated. Every hypomanic and depressive episodes throughout those years of my life were somehow managed by my family and I.

I didn’t have any role models who were also bipolar. I am also a chinese woman - a demographic directly impacted by their culture’s pride/shame/silence. So with each passing year, I wondered about, and then endured, the months-long depressions that would come after the hectic, hyper and often times sexually dangerous hypomanic episodes. so what am I doing now? How do I manage my wellness now? What’s it like to not be able to trust your brain?

I am completing my last year of speech science at UBC. My research focuses on the endangered indigenous language: Gitksan. I just finished taking two months of improv classes. I take five 150mg capsules of lithium each night before I go to sleep. every 6 weeks I meet with my psychiatrist and caseworker, as well as my psychologist. I try to only rarely join my friends on their late night social outings because I recognize how important a solid sleep schedule is to maintain stability for me. I am working on building stronger emotional boundaries with friends/family.

It is very challenging to live with a mental illness, let alone live well with one. However the universe gave me this challenge, so I will access the resources available to me, speak up about issues affecting myself and people like me, and remind others to be gentler with themselves. those are the things in my power. I hope that you will find ways to be more resilient for yourself, too.”

• Rosemary

“The stars never come out in the city, and in the dead centre of summer, it never rains. I find myself looking everywhere - anywhere - for calm and beauty and clarity. Things I usually only find in the middle of nowhere when it’s pouring enough to get you soaked. In the weeks that I knew him, the weeks we spent falling in love, he took me to a lot of places like that. Places that let me breathe without wondering who I’m bothering by doing so. Places that exude catharsis. My favourite was least expected. The place where I found myself alone, and yet, for once, completely okay with it.
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The river seems to drown out my screaming thought , even on its quiet days. The trees teach me a lesson in breathing deep, doing a better job of it than I’ve been able to in a long while. This is the place where I am calm. Where I recede, return to the person I used to be. I wish all the time that the river and the trees and the wind could all be bottled up, taken with me, sprayed like a perfume when I need it most. Maybe then I’d learn to be at peace in the city, under the lights that drown the stars.”

• Raine